Love stalking is one of the most unhealthy types of romantic love. It is often associated with mental or psychological disorder. In one of the most comprehensive studies of stalking, Rosemary Purcell, Michele Pathé and Paul Mullen from the Victorian Institute of Forensic Mental Health and Monash University, in Australia, surveyed 3700 adult men and women and found almost one in four had been stalked.
In addition, a study published in the ‘Australian and New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry’ also found out that women were twice as likely as men to report having been stalked at some time in their lives. As younger people were significantly more likely than older to report having been stalked, the authors wondered if this was evidence that stalking was significantly increasing in modern times ”.
Love obsession stalking is done by people who develop a love obsession or fixation on another person with whom they have no personal relationship. The target may be only a casual acquaintance or even a complete stranger. The stalker begins to make contact with the victim in a variety of ways that may initially seem harmless, but their continued presence generates fear and terror for the victim.
“Peeping Toms” should not be taken lightly, and can pose a very real threat to their victims. This category represents about 20-25 percent (20-25%) of all stalking cases. Stalkers in this category include those who develop fixations on regular, ordinary people- including classmates, their instructors, casual acquaintances or people they pass on campus.
The vast majority of love obsession stalkers suffer from a mental disorder. Regardless of the specific disorder, nearly all display some delusional thought patterns and behaviors. Since most are unable to develop normal personal relationships through conventional means, they have a life of fantasy relationships with persons they hardly know, if at all. They then attempt to act out their fictional plots in the real world.
Love obsession stalkers can be treated if the person afflicted by it, realizes what he or she is doing is wrong and needs help. “Help can be found in a good friend or a good counselor, who can bring them back to their senses and put them back on track. However, they can only show you the way. It is you who must realize the futility of the obsession and let go from within .
Before you can overcome a love obsession you first have to recognize that you are indeed obsessed with the person who you believe you love. Love is engaging and gratifying, while obsession is overwhelming and draining. Love allows you to be seen for who you are and still be accepted, obsession causes you to see character traits that are not there and makes you think you have found perfection.
Love allows a relationship to grow and strengthen, obsession creates an intense feeling to form a premature commitment. When you love you become a lover, when you obsess you can become a stalker” .
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This post will be all about incompatibilities, insincerity, and lack of options in relationships. It also tries to describe and differentiate true love from deceptive one. Love can mean different things to various groups of people. But many contemporary urban societies enamored with the idea of romantic love, a true love is said to be a mutual self-giving that is sincere and based on trust, accepting the other no matter who he or she is!
Incompatibilities in Relationships are Facts of Life
Couples always wish that their relationships should develop smoothly as they want them to be. But not all lovers can be sincere at all times. Sometimes, it is the social situations that will make them dishonest because of unmet needs. Partners can also have different motives on why they enter into loving relationships. As many sociologists would say: “Things are not what they seem!” What we externally see maybe not be the truth if we investigate further people’s motives. Some couples may appear to be loving and sweet in public, but deep inside their hearts are full of pain and hurts because of incompatibilities in personalities, views, beliefs, tastes, and personal values they experience daily in their union.
Well, couples can’t really avoid conflicts and incompatibilities in relationship. Social scientists believe that romantic or marital relationships are always cross-cultural. Every partner has his or her own cultural orientation and social upbringing which can lead to various forms of conflicts in the relationship. Cultural and personal differences are facts of life. No two people are identical. Each social situation and people’s reactions to it are unique. Even identical twins are culturally different.
What is important is not how we avoid incompatibilities in a loving relationship, but how we understand them empirically and deal with them effectively in order to maintain the relationship. Many divorce cases occur because many couples wish that the irreconcilable incompatibilities should not have been there in the relationship. They expect marriages to be made in heaven. Thus, they give up finding creative ways to continue their loving relationships when their love runs dry because of irreconcilable differences.
Experts believe that every loving relationship undergoes different stages. Dr. Jed Diamond of the website “Menalive.com” identified 5 stages of love. And it is often stage 3 or the period of discovery and disillusionment that causes break-ups and separations among couples. This is the stage when the love of couples runs dry and undergoes serious challenge:
Stage 1: Falling In Love
Stage 2: Becoming a Couple
Stage 3: Disillusionment
Stage 4: Creating Real, Lasting Love
Stage 5: Using the Power of Two to Change the World
During the courtship or honeymoon phase or Stage 1, partners and spouses can be full of infatuation and romantic love. But as time goes by and partners become familiar with one another during the discovery or disillusionment phase or Stage 3, conflict, abuse, misunderstanding can arise and ultimately challenge the relationship. Experts say that this stage is the most difficult phase in a relationship. If one partner cannot accept the limitation of the other or whatever incompatibility they have in the union, frustrations, pains, and conflicts, can eventually ruin the commitment. Overcoming Stage 3 is crucial in a relationship since the next stage is creating true and lasting love. True love would only occur if the couple can accept each other’s weakness and limitations, saying: “I love because you’re you” as the song goes!
But not all relationships are meant to last because the some motives of one or both partners are deceptive. One partner maybe using the other to pursue his or her personal agenda. Despite this, there are still people who allow a manipulative type of love and tolerate their partners’s abuse, most probably because of their lack of options to find financial support or other partners if they leave the relationship. This particularly true for people who deliberately stayed with abusive partners due to social pressure, advanced age, and lack of education or career. A person who is single with mature age or a young person who is pressured by his or her peer group or relatives to have a boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse may cling to an unhealthy or one-sided romantic love because of loyalty.
As the following lyrics of the song “I can’t live without you” by the Bad Company illustrate:
The first time you deceived me, it nearly broke my heart What hurts me most was I’m the last to know So lately I’ve been thinking, thinking ’bout you I know deep in my heart you had to go
Last night when I told you, you looked into my eyes A wicked smile just spread across your face You know I can’t resist you, no matter what you do The way you treat me babe, it’s a disgrace
According to the great Winston Churchill, an “[i]mmature love says, I love you because I need you, mature love says, I need you because I love you.” A true and mature romantic relationship does not use the other for selfish reasons. True love allows both partners to grow as persons and does not manipulate or use the other.
But not all romantic relationships can blossom into real love. Because of some psychological issues faced by people in romantic love as well as incompatibilities in terms of personal trait and character between lovers, the initial feeling of love or infatuation can turn into an “unhealthy” romantic relationship. People who experience this type of love are advised to leave the relationship and move on to search their true love.
Here’s an example of a one-sided and unhealthy types of romantic relationship. The lack of option is one important reason why people stay in a one-sided love affair. Obviously, this type of romance is not true love:
“I don’t really know if I can call it love but I really care for this guy in my college. I had always been a reserved, socially awkward individual. I never really dated any guy in my school years because I couldn’t even look in the eyes of a man without blushing!…However, I am a changed person today—more confident, smart, straight forward and honest. This guy in my college was the FIRST guy who told me “I am falling for you”. He told me he thought I was beautiful. It took over a month to finally tell him a yes because I was afraid if he would hurt my feeble heart. The thing about me is that if I love, I love unconditionally….And so we spend a lot of time together and during one of our conversations he told me about his psychological condition—he had split personality, was a socially disconnected individual and couldn’t handle relationships. He told me about how his “falling in love” phase lasted only for hours to a few days…But the more I knew about his flaws, the more I loved him.
Over time, I empathized so much with him that I ended up mirroring his emotions and his personality…I also realized that the only reason he sticks around with me is because 1) I am regular at work and is a good student at college. Hence, I can inform him of assignments to be submitted and college holidays. 2) He said he can’t afford a girlfriend at the moment and I am available at a ‘cheaper price’ and mostly free because I don’t demand for anything. 3) I am a girl and he is a guy and he can satisfy his ‘needs’….
No! This is certainly not the way I wanted a man to love me. But I continued to remain in this one-sided, broken relationship in the craving and greed for the temporary happiness I gained when I was with him. I’ve lost all my self-respect; I have begun to value him more than I value myself. I know this isn’t good but I just can’t get over him and I just don’t seem to find the true love I have looking for my entire 19 years.
Love and intimacy go hand in hand in romantic love. But these things must be felt by both partners. Love is the physical, emotional, sexual, intellectual, or social affection one person holds for another, while intimacy is the close relationship of two people where mutual acceptance, nurturance, and trust are shared at some level.
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Age does matter in a relationship whether one likes it or not. Although there other personal and social factors that can affect the social interaction of couples in a particular society, age definitely has an effect on the way partners relate with each other. Age is an informal social norm that somehow affects social interaction. The higher is the age, the higher is the influence of the older partner over the younger companion. Because he or she has more experience, the older partner will tend to guide the younger mate. This is particularly true if the age gap is wider.
Age implies length of experience in life. Older people have more encounters with tragedies and problems in life compared to younger ones. Thus, they tend dominate younger partners because they tend to believe that they know better than the other. Of course, this is only a general rule, since personality and other social factors can overcome this tendency. Thus, a younger partner with a domineering personality can control an older partner with a weaker personality. For instance, a gut person can easily dominate a heart or head person despite the age gap. Inspite of this, older people still tend to play the parent role in the relationship in general.
Thomas Anthony Harris published a classic self-help book entitled I’m OK – You’re OK as a practical guide to transactional analysis as a method for solving problems in life.Transactional analysis (TA) is a psychoanalytic theory and method of therapy wherein social transactions are analyzed to determine the ego state of the patient. A person’s ego can either act as a parent, adult, and child depending on the situation.
The problem with older partners in a loving relationship is that they tend to often act on their parent egos and dominate the younger partners who are forced to act on their adult or child roles to avoid conflict in their daily interactions. Thus, depending on the cultural standards, it is advisable that the age gap of lovers must be not very wide as this can pose problems both in their personal interaction and relationship adjustment. Maybe, 5 years or less is age gap is preferable, but more than 10 age gap can be challenging for couples to maintain their relationship. Of course, what matters most are the maturity and commitment of the partners to stay together despite the odds in the relationship.
Photo1: Hollywood couple with 20-year age gap: JASON STATHAM AND ROSIE HUNTINGTON WHITELEY (Photo credit: ALBERTO RODRIGUEZ/NBC/GETTY)
Photo2: Harrison Ford and his wife Calista Flockhart with 22 years age gap (Photo credit:STEVE GRANITZ/WIREIMAGE)
In this post, we will identify and describe briefly the popular nonverbal signs and indirect verbal moves by women to show that they want a romantic relationship with some men. Women are actually active in courtship, albeit in an indirect or implicit way, their invitations are primarily done through nonverbal signs or body language.
We have already established in my previous post entitled “4 Top signs about Women and Courtship” that women are not really passive in the process of courtship. In fact, they generally initiate courtship by making the first nonverbal moves to woo their men. Women do implicitly court men through the movements of their eyes, showing of their sexy physical features, providing symbolic actions that suggest they have a crush on certain guys, or indirect verbal moves to show their targets that they want a romantic intimacy with them.
So it is really more of a myth to say that women are completely passive in courtship and that they only respond to men’s initiatives. The common pattern seems to be the other way around. It is the women who first “court” men through nonverbal signs or indirect verbal moves to woo them. Men, in turn, just respond to these initiatives by verbal articulation or proposals to start a romantic union.
Here are the biggest signs that women are in love with men:
1. Seductive Eye Contact (She looks at him once in a while, look into his eyes, look at him often, look long, etc.)
If the woman continuously looking at a man and not the room or surrounding, it is a sign that she is interested on him. She can also show her special affection for him by occasionally glancing at him, especially if the he is not looking at her. If the man is observant and sensitive enough of this nonverbal sign of attraction, then he can sense that somebody is seducing him through her eye contact.
The eyes are said to be the window of the soul. The movements of the eyes are loaded with meanings and clues to the internal disposition of the person. One can sense if a person is sad, happy, afraid, or falling in love through his/her eyes. Most surveys on which body part is the sexiest for men and women revealed that the eyes are considered the sexiest of all body parts of both genders. The movements of the eyes of the person can convey romantic and sexual meanings for the other.
2. Seductive Eye contact with other Nonverbal Facial Expressions (She looks at the man in a seductive way, ogle, wink, smile at, smile in a friendly way, smile sweetly at, etc. )
Showing seductive eyes implies that the woman is interested to a particular man. The eyes is the most expressive body part that provides a crucial clue whether the woman has a special interest to the opposite sex. A woman who likes a particular person usually look, ogle, or wink with a sweet smile to him. A seductive glance with a smile or other facial expression is different with an ordinary disinterested look. An observant and sensitive guy can tell whether a woman has a special concern for him or not by just observing a woman’s seductive look and facial expression.
3. Moving Closer to the Guy:
(She stands or sits closer to him, walk by, stay near him, etc.)
Physical distance has a social meaning in relationship. Distance between two people implies the degree of intimacy. If a woman is to far from the man, it implies an absence or lack of connection or intimacy between. But if a woman is moving closer to a man by approaching, standing or sitting near him, it implies that she wants to know more about him and to have some intimacy with him.
4. Approaching and Starting to Talk to the Man:
(She walks to him and begin a speech, go next to him in bar or coffee shop and say something, etc. )
Some aggressive women do not only go near to the persons that attract them but also try to make initial and indirect verbal moves to connect with them. They sometimes walk to them or go next to them in a bar or coffee shop and start conversing with them informally. Their aura is usually friendly and their interest is shown in the sweet smiles on their faces.
5. Talking to Guy about Issues of General Interest:
(She makes a joke, begins a conversation, saying something witty to him, asking a question, making a remark, etc.)
To get the attention of the guy, the interested woman would sometimes approach him and start a light conversation, say something witty, ask a question, or make a remark, especially if the initial encounter was already established. This is an indirect way of inviting her man to a romantic relationship. It all depends on the guy whether he too is interested and would accept these initial moves of wooing.
6. Talking Directly to the Guy:
(She makes a compliment, says she likes him, offers him a drink, says directly what she thinks of him, invites him to dance, etc. )
If some women want to ensure that their seductions and nonverbal signs of interest are noticed, they usually approach their targets directly and say something nice about them, offer some drinks, or invite them to a dance.
7. Talking Indirectly to the Guy, Apparently in a Functional Way:
(She asks what time it is, ask for a light, ask for a coin for the telephone, ask for a cigarette, etc.)
To get the attention of the men they are interested with, some women would approach their targets and ask them in a functional way for some things to be noticed. They would, for instance, ask the women about the time of the day, ask for a light or help in some mobile phone problems, a cigarette, etc.
8. Approaching the Guy through a Third Person:
(She approaches him through a friend, she walks by and talks to another person, etc.)
Women would sometimes use a “go-between” or a common friend just to get in touch with their targets. A woman, for instance, would ask a friend in a gathering about the next guy on the table, etc. She can make a whisper to her friend and look seductively on the guy.
9. Paying Special Attention to Him:
(She listens to him with amusement, she’s attentive, asks interested questions, be nice, pay attention to him, etc. )
A woman signals her interest to a guy by being extra interested with what he is doing. She asks questions in a nice on his latest project, hobby, sport, etc. She also follows him in the social media or anything he is active online.
10. Showing Her Interest by Touching:
(She touches herself a lot, touches her man, allows him to touch her)
A man can sense if a woman is interested on him by looking at the body language of the woman. A woman can use her power of touch to seduce her man. And there are 3 types of female seduction by by touching. First, she touches herself a lot. When in front of her man, a woman in love invites him by touching herself a lot while she glances at him in a seductive way. Second, she can show her special interest on him by touching him in a friendly way such as touching his shoulder, hand, or back. Lastly, she express her desire for him by allowing the man to touch her.
11. Showing Some of Her Physical Features:
(She shows her sexy body or any body part to her crush)
Showing some sexy body parts is another strategy of women who fall in love with their men. This is a more direct nonverbal sign to invite men to approach and make connection with the seducing females. This can be a effective strategy since men, in general, can easily be attracted physically to women.
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De Weerth, C. & Kalma, A. (1995). Gender Differences in Awareness of Courtship Initiation Tactics. Sex Roles. Vol. 32, Nos. 11/12, 1995.
________”Spot the Signs to Know that a Woman is Seducing You”Men’s Corner Magazine. Retrieved from http://www.ayushveda.com/mens-magazine/spot-the-signs-to-know-a-woman-is-seducing-you/.
Love in the sense of sexual passion is a common feature of societies. But romantic love is different from sexual love. Romantic love is all about emotional communication and the attractiveness of the other. It carries with it the idea of intimacy because one falls in love specifically with the qualities of the other. It tells a forward-looking story or narrative about the lovers and creates a biography, not just for one person, but for two people (Giddens & Pierson, 1998). Sexual love is temporary and focused on physical attraction and beauty of the partners and not on the quality of the romantic relationship and personal traits and personalities of the lovers. Falling in love is the beginning of love, but not the end in itself. Here is another set of physical traits that make women sexy and attractive to men:
This criterion is cultural. It depends on one’s culture. In remote, rural areas, make up is not necessary. But if one is living in a highly urbanized place or in the corporate world, makeup is necessary. Just avoid too much makeup. Applying a make-up on the face can enhance the woman’s beauty and attract the attention from men. But too much make-up can be a turn off. Some studies revealed that men tend to be attracted to women who have less makeup.
3. Nice Butt
Based on various studies and one recently done by Cosmopolitan, the sexiest part of female body parts is not the boobs as popularly believed by many people. According to this study, the second female body part that men find the sexiest is the butt. Women can make up for a lack of chest with their butt. Surveys showed that men can be happy with all sorts of shapes and sizes when it comes down to the bottom. An attractive butt is a sign of the woman’s health, vitality and fertility.It can also imply that “a woman has a narrow waist, she’s not pregnant. And if she has broad hips it means that the underlying skeletal morphology is probably such that she’d be able to have a relatively unencumbered childbirth.” Moreover, the fat stored in women’s butts — called gluteofemoral fat — has unique long-chain polyunsaturated fatty acids that are important for babies’ brain development. A nice butt can also indicate the partner’s l good health condition.
3. Big Chests and Breasts
Men are generally attracted to big chests and breasts. Revealing cleavage can definitely attract men to their women. “Since a long time back, it has been believed that men are attracted to women who are healthy and are able to reproduce. Breasts are a sign of fertility as they portray the notion that the woman would be able to bear children as well as nourish them.” Men are less drawn to women’s breasts in tropical climates than in cold climates. Men from cultures whose women are always fully clothed in public, tend to be especially ‘appreciative’ of a lady’s bosoms.
4. Beautiful Lips
Lips is another female body part that men find sexy. Fuller and plumber looking lips really make a man take a second glance. One study carried by scientists at Manchester University involving the tracking of the eye movement of 50 men as they were presented with images of women revealed that participants spent more time gazing at the women’s lips that other parts of the face. This is particularly true when the women applied lipstick. They spent an average of 7 seconds for the lips, 0.95 second for the eyes, and 0.85 studying the hair. They specifically attracted to women with full lips wearing red lipstick. This study proved that the lips can be one of the most sensual aspects of a woman’s body which can play a crucial role in human sexual attraction.
5. Beautiful Smile
Men are most attracted to a woman’s smile because it shows that the man is making them happy. Not many men are able to resist a beautiful smile from a woman. Women’s beautiful smile can also charm men, and serve as an invitation to them to establish friendship or romantic relationship with them. A study at the University of British Columbia found that men are more attracted to women who smiled more. But women are less attracted to men who tend to smile and prefer guys who keep a straight face. The song “Words” by the Bee Gees captured the charm of a woman’s smile to men:
“Smile an everlasting smile,
A smile can bring you near to me
Don’t ever let me find you gone
‘Cause that could bring a tear to me….”
6. Curvy Hips
A girl or woman with a curved hip is generally seen by men as sexy. There is too much billboards and advertisements showing women with curved hips that has molded the consciousness of the male species that a curvy woman is sexy. ‘A girl who flaunts with a curved hip is just proving to men that she knows how to move, and there’s nothing a guy finds sexier than that. Surveys showed that men prefer women with curvier hips – the more meat the better.
7. Nice Stomach
The men surveyed were all attracted to the softness of the skin in the torso area and most of them said they love some abdomen and muscle definition, but not too much—they want to see a little feminine curve there.
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